Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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