i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
