i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
