Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
