I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All the doctor said was why
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
