this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
