so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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