weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
