Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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