I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
