My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
