Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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