i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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