last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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