I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
