he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I can text with my tongue
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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