I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
