my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
