WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
