I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
