Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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