someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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