moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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