So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
