Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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