Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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