So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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