You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
