Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
