He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
