I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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