I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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