Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
high people should be assigned attendants
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
