you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
