Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
