they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
