i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
