I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
