Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
