Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
