I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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