forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
