My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
