just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
