I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
