From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
