we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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