New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A bitchslap is in order.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
