I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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