Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
