Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
