Who did Billy Mays play for?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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