i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
home. puking in laundry basket.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
